The Soundtrack of My Inner Life Today

New Year's and 33rd Birthday Plans for the Future

Right now, I am sitting on a train on my way to Canterbury, eating ham, cheese, double cream, and carrots and drinking champagne. Not a bad picnic to kick off my birthday! Since my birthday comes so close to the beginning of the new year, this time is doubly reflective for me. It’s not just the start of a new year; it’s the start of MY new year. I’m 33 today, so I am starting off my 34^th year. That sounds like a lot. J

My 2011 in Review post reminded me of how amazing last year was, how many adventures I had, how much progress I made in school and work, and how much I have grown and changed (for the better). Thinking about and writing this post is my chance to imagine the coming year and to make plans (I won’t say resolutions because that makes me feel all bound in by rules and laws.) for adventures to come.

Here are some of the adventures I intend to pursue this year:

The assistant director of the writing center job may come open this year, and I want it. I have been working toward that goal for the past semester as well, and I intend to keep learning how to be a better tutor, a better manager, and a better researcher to make myself more qualified.

Aaron and I are planning two big trips next year, and we are taking Livy with us (assuming she wants to go and is willing to get the required vaccinations for the second one).

This summer, we are traveling in the Northwest, probably through the Dakotas, Montana, Washington, Oregon, Wyoming, and a bit of Northern California. Livy has been a part of planning that trip, and I am sure she wants to go. We want to do a lot of hiking and stay mostly in the country in National Parks, but we’ll see a few cities too (Seattle and Portland are places I have always wanted to visit).

Over next Christmas break, we are planning a trip to Costa Rica, Bolivia, or Chile. All three destinations have been on Aaron’s list for years.  This is the trip that Livy and I will have to discuss. I think she’ll want to go, but will she want to go enough to get a bunch of shots? I sure hope so because I am dying to take her with us! I think she will love the kind of outdoorsy vacation Aaron wants instead of the looking-at-musty-books kind of vacation I really love. J

I want to memorize poetry. The few poems that I have memorized bring me a huge amount of joy, and I want to increase that store this year. One poem a week may be too ambitious, but I’m going to try that out and see what happens. If I don’t get that many done, no worries. These are not resolutions of things I have to do; they are pleasurable visions of what I want the future to hold. If they stop being pleasurable, I’ll get a new plan.

I bought a wonderful little pocket-sized anthology called The Ruins of Time: Antiquarian and Archaeological Poems at Blackwell’s Bookstore in Oxford. Doesn’t that sound like the perfect poetry collection for me? A quote from the introduction: “The distant past is brought to life in the brilliant mimicry of Kipling or Auden, or brooded on elegiacally by Housman or Larkin.” So, in honor of this new book and its contents that seem specially selected for me, I think my first new poem to memorize will be “Ozymandias” by Shelley. It is the poem in the collection I am most familiar with and the one I often desperately try to remember when thinking over “Dust in the Wind” and human mortality. (Yes, I do that often. No, not in a morbid way. No, it doesn’t make me sad.)

In preparation for our trip to Costa Rica or another Spanish-speaking country in about a year, I want to brush up my Spanish and see if I can reach a new level of proficiency. I’ll be using Rosetta Stone and trying to find native speakers to talk to, and I hope I can convince Livy to learn some Spanish along with me.

      After hearing Evensong so many times on this trip, I have decided that I need to get back into singing in some way this year, and in a pretty good choir. Singing in college in a great choir pretty much spoiled me for groups who just sing for fun and aren’t that great; I can’t stop hearing the wrong notes! I know of a good summer chorus, but I am going to look for something sooner than that. At the very least, I will go to more Sacred Harp singings until I can do the summer chorus.

      Finally, I don’t want to let the feeling that Ihad in Blackwell’s Bookstore slip away; I want to be more diligent about serious study outside of my research and classes. I am very busy, and when I am in school, it can be hard to add more reading and writing to my life. But I want to continue to read some classics (perhaps more ancient and medieval ones), do a bit of Latin (Greek will probably have to wait for its brush-up until I am out of school), and write consistently on my blog (particularly travel narratives, stories about my past, and things I want to ponder from books, school, conversations, etc.).

I love that I have finally found a career and a relationship that make me look forward to the new year with so much pleasure and so much hope. I have gotten so much better at saying no and not doing things that don’t make me feel great, and, finally, my life is full of things that I love and only getting fuller.

My 2011

Here are some of the things that I did in 2011:

1. Traveled a bunch: Texas, SnowCon in Denver, Nashville, Mammoth Caves, Las Vegas, the Natchez Trace, my mom's house in Mississippi, and England.
2. Told my birth story on my blog and finally achieved peace about what happened.
3. Got snowed in!
4. Planned (with Jenn) and attended our awesome ATLOSCon.
5. Was witness when Livy learned to read!
6. Really found my place in my education and future career plans. I started work in the writing center, which will be my research focus, and started planning my thesis, a study of "tutoring for transfer." I also found that my teaching and tutoring work and research is deeply connected to the positive discipline work Jenn and I have been doing for years. Yay integration!
7. Did lots of podcasting and speaking engagements, also with Jenn.
8. Gave Crossfit a good try and decided it wasn't for me, at least not right now. Did lots of walking (and I mean lots) to train for the England trip. Fitness level definitely rose this year.
9. Grew a very productive vegetable garden in containers.
10. Had an amazing summer of leisure with Livy full of nothing but fun, learning, and adventures.
11. Accepted the apology of a person who deeply wronged me and hurt me badly and learned to let go of being angry.
12. Led an Ender's Game Reading Group for ATLOS.
13. Faced up to jealousy of a friend and let that go too. This has been a big year for letting go and for peace.
14. Read about 40 gazillion books. When I get home, I'll do my end of the year book stat post. Until then, here's my post about the books I read in the first half of the year.
15. Got better (but still not perfect, of course) at communicating effectively. I really practiced this year, and, as you can see from all the letting go and such, I had lots of chances to work on it.
16. Made lots of new friends at school and really felt, for the first time, that I am a part of that social community, including finding a great new friend and mentor who is farther along in the program than I am.
17. Deepened some existing friendships, grew apart from others, spent time with family, loved Aaron and Livy violently. 
18. Wrote a lot on this blog and at school. My writing, both narrative and academic, improved.
19. This blog morphed into a travel blog, pretty much. Don't know if it will stay that way, but this was a year of serious travel for me.

I am excited about starting 2012. It will be my first year to teach a freshman writing course, and we are already planning two trips for next year (a roadtrip to the Northwest this summer and (probably) Costa Rica over Christmas. Never in my life have I had such a great year or looked forward to such another one. My thirties are turning out to be my best decade ever, full of fun and love and getting emptier and emptier of the insecurities and worries of my twenties. Look for a resolution post for the new year in a day or two.

P.S. As I chose labels for this post, I had to choose nearly every label on my blog because it seems I spent the whole year all wrapped up in all my favorite values. No wonder it was such a good year. I can't even think of anything bad that happened in it! (Though Aaron says that doesn't mean it didn't happen, I live by Elizabeth Bennet's philosophy: "Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.") In the end, I had to delete all those labels because there were too many for Blogger to accept.

How I Could Once Have Been "Shelley or the Idealist" by Ann Jellicoe

I just finished a play today called Shelley: or the Idealist, and I really enjoyed it. It is about the life of Romantic poet, Percy Bysshe Shelley, and judging from my relatively small amount of knowledge about his life, it was pretty accurate.

In the play, Shelley is portrayed as naive, thoughtless about other people's feelings, brilliant, devoted to his principles, and impulsive. I feel a lot of kinship to him and am ambivalent about that feeling.

I love that I am spontaneous, sensitive to the beauty of the world, idealistic, and open to new and world-changing ideas. I don't love so much that I am sometimes oblivious to the effects of my actions on other people and often jump too quickly into ideas and actions without thinking them through.

I was a lot more like Shelley when I was younger, and after reading the play, I am so happy that I have learned a lesson or two that will make my life turn out so much better than his did. It's hard to say if the changes came with Objectivism or with adulthood, as I acquired both at about the same time.

I learned not to use youth, poetry, passion, or the beauty of the wild, untamed, animal part of myself as an excuse to be irresponsible and callus. I learned to think about the consequences of my behavior to myself and to others. I learned to find poetry in a committed life, a life with responsibilities, a rooted life. I learned that Jane Austen had it right when she wrote, "Without scheming to do wrong, or to make others unhappy, there may be error, and there may be misery. Thoughtlessness, want of attention to other people's feelings, and want of resolution, will do the business" (Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 24).

I cannot hate Shelley because so much of the misery he causes and endures comes from his naivete. But I can see that he gets the just reward of holding (and living) bad ideas and of refusing to take responsibility for his actions. And while I can empathize with him and remember when I was much like him, I am also glad to have grown up.

To Ron Weasley (On Why I Get You and Your Relationship with Harry Potter)

Dear Ron,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that you and I are alike and that I really get you. When I read about your adventures, I see myself in you, and I wanted you to know that I try to live up to your example. Keep reading, and you'll know what I mean.

You know how you are kinda famous, but Harry is really famous? I get that. You know how no matter how much you contribute to the fight against Voldemort, people just think of you as Harry's sidekick? I get that. You know how you worry about how you are always overlooked? I get that.

See, I have a famous best friend too. We are also business partners, just like you and Harry are partners in fighting Death Eaters. My friend Jenn is just as cool as your friend Harry. She always gives me credit for my contributions; she always treats me as an equal; she knows that we are so much better together than either is apart. None of the awful feeling of being in someone's shadow is her fault, anymore than it's Harry's fault that you don't get noticed so often.

It's not that Harry and Jenn don't deserve their fame, either. Harry could cast a corporeal patronus in his third year. And Jenn has an amazing blog where she works very hard to keep the thoughtful and helpful parenting posts chugging out. But we're pretty great, too, right? I mean, that chess game you played? How you handled the group when Harry was obsessed with the Deathly Hallows? And I am an awesome parent educator, with good classes, good podcasts, and some really new and innovative ideas about parenting and Objectivism.

But it's hard to be overlooked, isn't it? It's hard for you to hear about how Harry is the symbol of the anti-Voldemort movement, when you have shared in every anti-Voldemort activity. He gets called "The Chosen One," I know. Did you know someone once told me that Jenn was "the Objectivist parent?" You know how you didn't get invited to the Slug Club? Well, once a guy I just met socialized with me for an entire party, and at the end, he told me that he couldn't wait to meet Jenn because he had some parenting questions. One person asked me, "Are Jenn's kids the coolest you've ever met?" Umm, I have my own child, dude, and I am kind of partial to her, awesome though Jenn's kids might be.

Anyway, you can see that our positions are similar. What I really wanted to tell you was what I learned from watching you. You handle being right next to and being support to and working with someone really famous. Mostly, you handle it pretty well. I've learned from you that I just have to focus on my own values, as you focus on the mission to destroy Voldemort, and not worry so much about what people think. I've learned that when your friend becomes the youngest seeker in 100 years, you can be happy for him, even if you would like to be playing Quidditch too. You can celebrate someone else's accomplishments without always comparing them to your own.

I work hard on not being second-handed, on focusing on the product I am working on, rather than on how it is received.

I work hard on not being envious, on remembering that it isn't my friend who overlooks me. She is always my biggest cheerleader, and I want to be hers, even if she has bunches of others.

I work hard on doing the thing I actually want, instead of the thing that will get me a little more spotlight. For example, I really wanted to go to DragonCon over Labor Day weekend, but Jenn and I were asked to speak at ChicagOCon. I struggled with the decision because I worry that people will not miss me in our presentation and wonder why Jenn has a partner at all. I worry that I will be more overlooked if I miss my chance to be on stage. But I weighed my values, and I decided to do the thing I actually valued more and let the fame fall where it may.

Basically, I work hard at keeping the sane voices in my head, the ones who speak reality to me, talking louder than the voices of my insecurity. Just like when you were about to destroy that Horcrux, I fight the part of me that talks in Voldemort's voice. I choose not to hear the message that second-handedness and fear convey. Instead, I think of the love that my friend and I share, the amazing work we do together, my very real contributions to Objectivist parenting, and my other values.

When the Horcrux tells me that nobody would care if I never wrote or spoke about parenting again, I just stab it with a big ole Goblin-made sword. When the Horcrux tells me that no one even knows I exist or that Jenn and I figured it all out together, I just look around for the nearest basilisk fang. I shrug off the kind of insulting things people say with this thought: "Jenn IS just that awesome. She deserves every compliment. And I am that awesome, too. Even if folks on the internet don't know it, I know it. And so does Jenn and the other people I love. They know who I am and support me in my important work."

But I know the dark moments, the ones when second-handedness wins. I know just how you feel when you leave Harry and Hermione in the tent and disapparate. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just quit. Why not let Jenn do the parenting education and focus on something else? Then I wouldn't have to feel overlooked; I'd not be doing anything to overlook. I've pulled back several times, tried to back away from our work, decided to just quit and stop feeling like this. But like you, I came back.

It's rationality that saves us both, Ron. We can use our minds to keep away the insecurities, to ignore the slights, to focus on important values, and to choose awesome companions in our work. And when Voldemort is dead and positive discipline has swept across Objectivism like fiendfyre, you and I will both know that we did good work and acheived our goals. And we will have Harry and Jenn to share in the pleasure of a job well done.

Your admirer,
Kelly

Stuff that Makes Life Worth Living

Day 4 of the 5 Star Challenge is to list "five things that make you happy you are alive."

1. A soft-top Jeep with the top down. In this happy moment, I am wearing a tank top, so the sun is warm on my brown shoulders. The wind is keeping me cool and whipping the baby hairs around my face into a halo. There is a novel playing, something like Anne of Green Gables that makes me feel that small moments of joy, experienced one after the other, are the best kind of life.

2. The feeling of getting into a car that has been sitting in the heat all day. I love how it's almost too hot, and I wait and wait to see how long I can bear it before I turn on the air conditioning or roll down the window.

3. The day you get the next book of a series you adore in the mail. I've been looking on the porch every day waiting, rereading the other books obsessively, avoiding any spoilers from anyone who got it sooner. And then, there it is. And everything else is dropped. Laundry sits mildewing in the washer; plants wither in their pots. Everything important in the whole world is in between those two covers. Aaron who? Livy who?

4. The first sip of a canned diet coke with all it carbonated power.

5. The awful ache that comes with a powerful ballad. "Dust in the Wind," "Hallelujah," "Top of the World," and "Strawberry Wine.". I like to listen to them and wallow in how rich and deep and twisty they make me feel.

Five Things I Am Grateful For Right Now

My Five Star Challenge got a little derailed by being sick. Maybe I jinxed myself by saying my body was able to keep me well! :) Anyway, here are the things I am grateful for.

1. That Aaron, who doesn't have or want children of his own or have a strong interest in rhetoric and composition, loves me enough to support me while I stay at home with Livy to homeschool part-time and go to school in rhet/comp part-time. He loves me enough to support my values, and I couldn't live the perfect life I do, able to do the things I love most, if he didn't make it possible.

2. That so many good books have been written and that so many more will be written and that I can read any of them that I please.

3. That spring has come, bringing flowers and veggies and warm sun to lie in and green trees to sit under. Spring is my favorite season because of plants, Decoration, sun bathing, walking on coolish evenings, taking the top down on my Jeep, and the feeling of new beginnings. I am grateful that spring comes every single year, not just once. The earth gets a clean slate, and I do too.

4. That Livy's dad wants to have her half the week, hang out with her as much as he can, and really be her parent. He would never be satisfied with every other weekend and holidays, and because of that, she is attached to her mom and her dad post-divorce in a way I don't think many kids get to be.

5. That I have such an awesome Objectivist community here in Atlanta to socialize with, raise my child with, fall in love with, and talk about ideas with. I can't imagine how isolating it must be not to have all kinds of people like you ready to hang out anytime.

What Can My Body Do?! Wouldn't You Like to Know!

The second day of the five star challenge is to list five things my body can do.

1. My body can (and has) grown an entire human being, given birth to her, made and delivered breastmilk for more than 3 years (a year of that without other food), and carried her for 3 years on my chest, back, or hip. My body is a sweet, fertile, baby-makin' machine!

2. That same body can (and has) driven men (and women) crazy. My body is capable of feeling the most intense pleasure and giving it too. And that pleasure has only gotten better, even after all the effects of #1.

How bout we skip the picture here? :)

3. My body can do awesome athletic things. It can do gymnastics, keep up with teenage boys in a pickup basketball game (yesterday at homeschool co-op), tear it up on the dance floor, squat, snatch, even manage a few double-unders, flip off the diving board, hike miles and miles and miles, and run/walk a 5k.

4. My body is a germ-fighting machine. Constantly bombarded with viruses, bacteria, half-spoiled food, etc, my body hardly ever gets sick. My skin is super amazing at keeping all that crap out, and my stomach is like a tank. Seriously, if there was ever a person suited to be the king's food tester, it's me. I'd eat it, say, "Wow, this tastes funny. I wouldn't eat it, if I were you, Your Majesty," and then go about my business (which might include a pickup basketball game with the royal pages).

I wish I had a picture of me happily eating poisoned food while those around me are dropping like flies. Sort of.

5. My body helps my mind relax. A massage, an hour lying out in the sun, a good long walk, a glass of wine, a piece of red velvet cake, a roll in the hay, a new hair color--all these bodily experiences make my life so much happier and make my mind calm and clear and ready for thinking.

5-Star Challenge: Totally Ripping Off Some Awesome Chicks!

Since Jenn is the boss of me, I have to do what she does. Not always, but kind of mostly. :) And since she ripped off Mel, I'm gonna rip off both of them and be a cool kid like they are, by doing the 5-Star Challenge. This is my favorite kind of meme: it's all about me.

Over five days, I have to write about:

Five things you love about yourself.
Five things your body can do.
Five things you’re grateful for.
Five things that make you happy you’re alive.
Five people (or pets) who you love.

Day One: Five Things I Love About Myself

1. I am really fun. Like more fun that a barrel of monkeys. More fun than a barrel of drunk monkeys playing Beastie Boys' songs. It makes me happy that being around me makes other people happy.

2. I read a lot of books. They are awesome books, sometimes trashy-but-wonderful vampire fiction, sometimes classic British novels, sometimes ancient rhetoric texts, sometimes juvenile fiction, sometimes non-fiction. I spend most of my leisure time reading, and that's all I am going to do this summer.

3. I am content with what I have, even when what I have changes. Yes, I occasionally need to break out of my routine and have an adventure, but I am pretty laid back about my life. I think that I could be happy almost anywhere under almost any circumstances because I enjoy the moment I am in without looking ahead more than pleases me. I'm not much of a worrier, and I am always right when I assume that things will turn out okay in the end.

4. I am really good at people. I can almost always figure out what they are thinking, what they are going to do, what they mean by a statement or question, and how to deal with them, and I can do that really, really quickly.

5. Closely related to number 4 is that I am a really good teacher. I can determine where people are tripped up, how to explain something to them, how to break down a complicated concept, and how to support them so they get it themselves. This skill is not related to subject matter; given a little time to familiarize myself with a topic, I could teach anything.

See you tomorrow with a list of 5 things my body can do. You won't want to miss that one. ;)

My Best SnowCon Moment

I'm going to write about my favorite moment of SnowCon, the peak moment. I was standing next to Jenn in front of our audience. Our posters were set up; our markers were out; and everyone was looking up at us. It wasn't quiet yet because we were waiting on the webcast to begin, and I looked out over the crowd and saw so many faces looking back at me all shining with friendship and good fun and interest.

I loved that moment best because it combined everything. I was about to talk about parenting and communication, which I love. I was in front of people, smiling and joking, which I love. I was with Jenn, whom I love. I was talking not to a crowd of strangers, but to a host of friends. The first row was filled with the people I had gotten to know over dinner, Anders and Maria, Maryallene and Don, Steve, all making me feel more comfortable with their recent familiarity. Aaron and Santiago sat together, looking positive we would do well, their faces reassuringly clear of any doubt whatsoever about our brilliance, and we wondered if Brendan was able to watch back home, knowing that he wouldn't have a doubt either. Earl and Tom were taking pictures of us and smiling. I remember seeing Paul and William and Arthur and Lisa and Sarah and Travis and Colleen. Diana and Kelly were working hard to make everything go smoothly for us. Chris was telling us for the 10th time that we would be great because he knew we were very nervous.

Perhaps it's arrogant to compare a parenting talk to being at the top of a Saturn V; okay, yes, it really is, but I can imagine what Neil Armstrong must have felt as he was ready to blast off. He must have heard the familiar voices of the Mission Control guys, thought of the gathering of other astronauts and his family, imagined all the people in America wishing him well and watching him in his big moment, looked at the deeply-known team beside him, and felt that he was being pushed out to the moon by goodwill alone.

There were awesome things before this moment: talks at the cabin, joking in the hot-tub, Diana's lecture, good food, much alcohol. There were awesome things afterward too: our talk (which went really well), the congratulations of our friends, the live webcast, Santiago's talk, debriefing with Jenn, Colleen, and Travis, the coffee shop discussion with Diana about books. But that one moment, waiting for our talk to begin, is why I love Objectivist conferences.

It was the precious feeling of being with people who get you, people who like you for all your principles and your forthrightness, people who are benevolent, people who want you to succeed and who glory in their own successes. It's funny to me that anyone would think Objectivists don't value feelings and people, that they don't know how to be close and have good relationships. Because it was love, both for me and for a community of like-minded friends, that I felt flowing over me from every direction in my best SnowCon moment.

Ramblings on Memory, Sleep, Snatches, and Scallops

Good morning, and welcome to today's episode of "Random Stuff I Want to Tell You."

1. I cooked scallops yesterday, and they were awesome. I am kind of scared of cooking seafood, probably because I am new to it and it seems so complicated, but I am on a mission to add more seafood into my diet. Now is a good time because I can't cook Aaron anything he both likes and can eat, so I may as well please myself. So, I rinsed the scallops; put them in a pan; poured melted bacon grease over them; sprinkled them with salt, pepper, and garlic powder; and broiled them for 8 minutes. They rocked. I ate them all.

2. This morning in my Roman rhetoric class, we discussed memory, one of the 5 canons that Roman rhetoricians considered necessary for the art. It is less necessary for us with widespread literacy and internet access, and we talked about whether it is necessary at all. Clearly we have to be able to remember things to carry out daily tasks, but we were talking more specifically about memorizing texts, lists, poems, rules for composition, etc.

My main reason for defending memorization is fun; I think it's good and useful to have a store of knowledge with which to entertain ourselves in the absence of more passive forms of entertainment. Many a car trip has been filled by trying to remember state capitols, songs about specific rivers, or naming cities along a certain interstate route. Poems are friends I can visit in my head on the bus or when I hike.

But, I am not sure how important memorization is outside of this reason, which is a purely optional value. It can certainly give you street cred as an expert, as one of my classmates pointed out. Are there any non-optional uses for memorization that I am not coming up with?

3. Last night, I snatched 55#. For those of you who know how to do snatches, that probably sounds light. For those of you who don't, you have no idea what I am talking about. So my audience for this comment may be only 4 people. But those 4 people should know that I SNATCHED 55#!!

4. I am so sleep deprived. I have to get up at 5:50 am, but I cannot seem to get to bed by 8:30 or 9! It's so hard to be done with my day that early. I go to Crossfit at either 6:30 or 7:30, depending on the day, and that isn't changeable. I got to class at 8 am down in Atlanta, and that isn't changeable. I would like to sometimes see Aaron in the evening, and that isn't changeable. Does anyone else manage with naps? I might see how working naps into my days would change my sleep schedule and my feeling of being not-so-well-rested.

My Accomplishments 2010

RationalJenn gave me the idea to list these. Since my memory is so bad, let me know if I missed anything that you know I accomplished. :)

• Threw the AOS's first MiniCon! Big success and convinced me that I can do organizy kinds of things if I put my mind to it.
• Started a podcast and a parenting education business with Jenn.
  
• Completed my second semester of grad school and decided on Rhetoric/Composition as my concentration. I ended this semester with a 4.08 GPA.
• Blogged lots more than last year and finally found my stride. I've figured out the kinds of things I like to blog about and am not making myself unhappy writing things I don't enjoy.
• Improved my relationships with Aaron and with Livy. We are all happier together at the end of this year than ever before.
• Completed a Whole30.
• Started Crossfit and have begun to see positive results.
• Read 80 books aside from my school reading.
• Taught 2 successful gymnastics pedagogy classes
• started a Latin club, the Sex Vultures
• Created my teaching philosophy and two syllabi to use when I am teaching composition
  
• Grew potatoes and onions for the first time.
• Lost weight and improved my eating habits without falling back into old destructive mental habits

Yay me!

Kansas's "Dust in the Wind" and the P Personality Type

I really love the song "Dust in the Wind." It makes me feel calm and relaxed and can cheer me up when I feel oppressed by troubles. According to Aaron, this is very weird. He thinks it is nihilistic and miserable, and it makes him want to hurl. (Well, he would never actually say anything so dramatic, but that's a pretty accurate picture, I think.) I've been wanting to write a post for a while explaining why I like the song and how I can interpret it as positiive and not nihilistic. Aaron says that all of the following is ridiculous, so consider yourself warned.

Here's the song, for those sad people who have never heard it:



First, let me say that I think the music itself, especially the violin and the sound of the singer's voice, is haunting and moving. It feels important, like it cuts right to the heart of what it is to be human and to be alive, and I would be drawn in to believing almost anything set to this music. But I think an analysis of the lyrics with some personal notes about my personality will back up what the music makes me feel.

First, a thing or two about me. On the Myers-Brigg test, I score a pretty strong P. This means that I like to live without a lot of structure or planning or rules and that I can take whatever kinds of experiences that come to me without getting too ruffled. I don't love permanence; I prefer things that are transitory and ephemeral. That alone may make the difference in how Aaron and I see this song. The idea of things passing away is lovely and bittersweet for me, promising loss but also the empty space where new things can happen. The idea of things passing away is just loss for him. He likes to put things in a proper order and for them to stay that way.

The song begins:
I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

It's true that moments pass away and don't last, no matter how much people might want them to. The idea that we miss things when our eyes are closed is very powerful to me. Because our lives are so short and because we and all of our dreams will be nothing but dust after this short life, it's a crime to look away from the things we value even for a moment.

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Rather than feeling unimportant and forgotten because our short lives are just a tiny part of human history and of the history of the world, I choose to feel connected. To be a drop of water in a sea of achievement, love, passion, and all the glories of humanity, to be a drop of water in the sea of natural history, to have a place in the movement of evolution, is to be connected with all the meaning people have created, to be a part of the nature and its cycles. How could those things be unimportant?

Aaron sees hopelessness and futility in the idea that all the works of humankind crumble in the end. I don't. I think of the crumbled civilizations of the past, the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, and even the fictional Camelot and Atlantis, and I cannot feel that they were futile. They learned; they built; they invented; they wrote. But they crumbled, and though this is sad, it is a reminder for me to enjoy the learning and building and inventing and writing and the products of all these now. Nothing in human life is permanent, and so I have to live in the moment with my eyes open, sucking the marrow out of life, knowing that things do not last forever. Refusing to see that my life now and the civilization that I love are just as fleeting as the Egyptians or the Greeks would prevent me from appreciating them fully right now.

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind

Futility doesn't lie in the fact that things don't last forever; it lies in trying to cling to things that are passing away, in not facing the bittersweet reality of impermanence. Staying alive, but in an unending state of pain and misery; continuing a relationship that is no longer fulfilling; and holding stubbornly to an old dream that one has outgrown, these are the kinds of hanging on that the song cautions against, hanging on and refusing to see that nothing lasts forever. And finally, the song reminds us that living life and pursuing values are primary, that they end someday, and that money (and I might include fame and power and any other byproduct of value pursuit) cannot do away with mortality. In the end, we will all be dust, and by embracing the reality of the impermanence of human life, we can pursue values with all the fervor that limited time creates.

When I've done something that I wish I had done differently and when I am experiencing troubles or stress or sadness, this song reminds me that all things change, all things rise and then fall, all this pass away. I can look forward to a future that is not the same. It will be worse in some ways, no doubt, loss is a part of human life. But in other ways the future will be better. I like the idea that for good or bad, things change, and life will never become stagnant or boring.

I'd be interested to know how many of you see the song my way and how many think that Aaron reads it correctly as nihilistic. I'd also love to know if other people who are Myers-Brigg Ps see it my way. Is there a connection between my love of change and my dislike of much order and my reading of this song? Let me know what you think.

Things I'm Thankful for Today

1. Having someone incredibly loving who will wake up in the night and comfort me after I've had nightmares.

2. An online (and in person) homeschooling community that makes it so easy to homeschool. 20 years ago, I would have had to go it alone.

3. The Lord of the Rings. It makes my heart physically expand in my body when the characters do something noble. I'm so happy Tolkein wrote it.

4. My composition pedagogy class, taught by a professor I really respect.

5. Having a best friend with whom I have never run out of things to talk about. Not even once in more than 7 years.

6. 70s and 80s music played all night at a wedding, with only a song or two from other eras.

7. Dessicated thyroid and iodine.

8. My 7 year old, who watches Gilmore Girls with me and then falls asleep cuddled up beside me in my bed.

9. The chance, granted by Aaron, to go back to school and be home with Livy when she is with us. It's amazing to get to do the two things I most want at the same time.

10. The song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas.

Jumping on the Bandwagon of Questions

Hey, figured if the cool kids at 3-Ring Binder and The Playful Spirit are doing it, I should too.

1. What book from your childhood do you remember the most, and why?

Definitely the Laura Ingalls Wilder series. I read them many, many times. There was dogwood tree in the backyard that looked like a covered wagon to me when it was in bloom; the branches sort of hung down in arches, like the wagon bows and the blooms were white like the canvas. I used to pull a bench up to the base of the tree and pretend to drive west over the prairie. Once, I asked my mom when the next book would be coming out. She told me that Laura Ingalls Wilder had died long ago and that there would be no more books, and I cried myself to sleep.


2. What type of music do you enjoy the most? Please include examples!

I like classic country most of all - Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, and Kris Kristofferson. I also love the White Stripes, the Dixie Chicks, bluegrass, and Billy Joel. My most played songs on my IPOD are Kansas's "Dust in the Wind," The Dixie Chicks' "Traveling Soldier," K.D. Lang's version of "Hallelujah," and Kris Kristofferson's "Me and Bobby Magee." I also like hiphop and reggaeton, mostly to dance to, not so much to listen to.

3. What subject do you find most challenging (to teach or to learn)?

Math is a little harder for me to learn than other things. Though I made As in it in school, I made a 1 on the Calculus BC exam. I didn't really get calculus until my third semester of it college (my 6th semester of it over all).

4. What is your favorite hot drink? Bonus points for including the recipe!

Not a fan of hot drinks. When I drink one, it's usually a latte made with heavy cream instead of milk.

5. About what new book, movie, or TV series do you want to let others know?

I'm usually behind on all these things. Gilmore Girls is new to me and is my new love. I don't often read new books; I guess Percy Jackson is new, and I liked that series. Instead of something new, I recommend that everyone reread or rewatch something they love.

1. What is the most exciting thing you’ve ever done?

I think I am just not an exciting person, cause I can't think of anything. Memories come to mind, but none of them really seem exciting.

2. What is the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done?

Visiting Keat's house in Hampstead Heath. I crouched on the floor beside his sofa, where he lay sick for so long, and looked out the window he must have looked out of, longing to be alive and vital in the world. I felt, rather than knew, as I had before, how tragic his death was. I thought of his poems, of the ones he would have written, of Fanny and the life they might have had, and I felt close to him and to "When I Have Fears That I May Cease to Be" in a new way.

3. What is the general activity you enjoy doing most often?

Reading. I do it most of the time. Fiction, non-fiction, great literature, pulpy teen romances, I enjoy it all.

4. What do you like most and least about blogging, if applicable?

I hate feeling like I should write some substantial posts, about parenting, Oism, etc, when I really don't feel like it. I like writing personal posts very much, especially stories about my family or my past, but long, well-researched, more philosophical posts sometimes make me want to hurl.

5. How do you feel about Colin Firth?

I like him pretty well; I mean the man WAS Mr. Darcy. But I like them a little more masculine, a little less polished. It's Alan Rickman for me. And Colonel Branden before Mr. Darcy, too.

More Formspring Q&A

This is just so fun! Ask me more! http://www.formspring.me/kellyelmore

Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Do you want any?

My ears are pierced, and they used to be pierced in a lot of places, including in the inside. When I stopped being rebellious on purpose to make my parents crazy, I let those holes grow up.

I have no tattoos, but I want one. I'm kind of a wimp, so I haven't gotten one yet. I want a daffodil. Also, besides being a wimp, I also can't think of anywhere on my body that either still looks perky or will look perky forever, so I am nervous about a droopy, wilting daffodil!

Given your view of sex as a good thing that shouldn't be considered shameful or wrong, at what point do you expect Livy to start having sexual relationships? Will you be teaching her about birth control and sexual safety at puberty or some other time?

Interesting. In some ways we have already started talking about birth control and safe sex. She has asked me to please have another baby, and I have explained how Aaron and I aren't planning on doing that and how because some smarty invented a way to have sex and not get pregnant, we don't have to! I explained vasectomies in detail because that's so neat-o. I have no idea how much of that she took in because she was pouty about no more babies at the time. :)

As far as sexual relationships, I don't know when she will begin to have them. I would expect it would be in her teenage years, but I wouldn't be opposed to her waiting longer either.

Since kids mature sexually long before they become legal grownups, I think it is unrealistic to expect them not to be having sex. It's fun, it feels really good, and their biology will be driving them to want it in a serious way for YEARS before they move out and start living as an adult. So, my plan is to raise as mature a child as possible, talk with her about birth control and abortion and sexually transmitted diseases and the potential emotional consequences of sex long before she might have it (before puberty for sure), and then rejoice with her in the good feelings sex brings.

I do think puberty is too late, especially if that is the first sex talk of any kind. I think sex, like nutrition and good philosophy, should be talked about all through a child's life, whenever the subject arises because of the child's interest, something the adult wants to explain, or something seen on TV or read in a book.

You mentioned that you wished Ayn Rand had consulted with some parents before writing the sections in ItOE about children. Which parts do you take issue with, and why? by shlevy

I was thinking that I had read in ITOE a section about the timing of children moving from sensation, to perception, to concepts. I can't find it, so I suspect it might be in some other book. I am pretty sure I read it in an Objectivist book, but I have not proof.

Anyway, here is the timing I see: Infants are born already in the perceptual phase. They immediately are able to discriminate between different sensations and organize them into percepts, recognizing mom's voice, moving toward the nipples, etc. I've even read that babies can distinguish between different kinds of sound in the womb, but I don't know if that is true. So, they begin to organize sensations into percepts much earlier than whatever I read in that mystery book (which seemed to say infants were purely sensation). I also remember reading in the same passage that children become conceptual about the time they learn to speak, and this is definitely untrue. Because of using baby signs, it was clear to me that Sean (Rational Jenn's last baby) was conceptual several months before he learned to speak. He not only used signs, but used a vroom, vroom car sound to mean car and applied it not just to one or two cars but to all cars with the measurements omitted.

Anyway, I wish I could know where I read what I read. If anyone has any idea, please let me know.

What's your favorite Shakespeare play or poem? by rationaljenn

I'm not the hugest fan of reading Shakespeare. I don't usually like to read and study plays. But I love to see Shakespeare on stage. My favorite play is The Tempest. I also love King Lear, Much Ado About Nothing, and the Henry histories.

As for his poems, my favorite is Sonnet 73: http://poetry.eserver.org/sonnets/073.html.

You’re on a desert island. You can pick one author to be stranded with—not the author’s books, the man or woman him- or herself. Which author would you choose as your companion? ~Ans

I would probably not choose an author, for two reasons.

1. I'd choose an engineer/inventor type because I want to have lots of cool stuff to help me live on the island.

2. I tend to be attracted (both in love and in friendship) to people who are sciency and left-brained. I would probably enjoy my time more with someone like this. Plus, without any other resources for entertainment, wouldn't it be better to be stranded with someone who knew all the opposite things from you so that you could have what's in his brain to learn and keep you entertained?

If you are going to make me choose an author in this hypothetical, I don't know what to say. It's the books I'm interested in, and of the writers I know lots about, I can't think of one I'd like to live alone with on an island.

Off the top of my head, I think Samuel Johnson would be pretty entertaining. He's the best I can come up with, but he was kind of a jerk sometimes, so maybe not.

What gives you the best sense of accomplishment (outside of parenting)?

Actually, parenting does not give me the best sense of accomplishment, except in general terms. It isn't my primary career. Teaching is.

For now, most of my formal teaching happens in the gymnastics class I teach for university students studying to become P.E. teachers. I designed the class to teach them the basic skills of gymnastics and to teach them how to teach gymnastics to their future students.

My favorite thing in the class is when I am able to explain to my students how to break down a skill and convey it in the most simple way to their students. I am able to initiate them into the essence of teaching; figuring out the smallest pieces of the knowledge and figuring out how to convey it.

I love it when I find exactly the right words for a particular student and when I see the knowledge click into place in their minds. I love this when dealing with gymnastics, and I can't imagine how much I am going to love it when I am teaching writing and literature.

In a close second and third would be the moments when my daughter and I solve a problem together in a way that makes both of us happy (but you said no parenting, so ignore that) and when I have been struggling over a piece of a novel or poem and finally get it. The point comes home to me, and the quote or the feeling of the passage really belongs to me forever.

The Navier-Stokes equations describe fluid flow. Do these equations have solutions that last for all time, given arbitrary sufficiently nice initial data? Or do singularities develop in the fluid flow, which prevent the solution from continuing?

Nothing, not even equations, have solutions that last for all time. Didn't you know that we are all just dust in the wind? Here's a Robert Frost poem to enlighten you further on the constant change which is life for humans and for Navier-Stokes equations:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Some Formspring Questions

I've been enjoying answering questions on formspring, so I thought I would post some of my answers here. Please keep asking. It is super fun, and you guys know how much I love talking about myself.

What do you love about vampires? Since there are so many different depictions of them, please describe your favorite(s) and the one(s) you can't stand.

Great! Here’s a question I can really sink my teeth into! Ha, ha!

I think that I love vampires so much because they are the embodiment of all the traditional feminine sexual desires. They are beautiful, mysterious, powerful, charming, dangerous. They are driven wild by the smell and the taste and even the sight (in blushing cheeks) of a woman’s essence. Blood is a symbol of life force; the pumping heart of vitality. A vampire actually survives by consuming life. Nothing could be more primal or intense. And really, what woman wouldn’t want a lover who wanted her so much that he wanted to absolutely drain her, take everything for himself, master her completely even unto death. I wouldn’t literally want to die for sex, but metaphorically, I want to be annihilated by it. The vampire’s whole existence is driven by doing just that.

Of course, the fantasy is only good when the vampire is able to restrain himself, at least somewhat. That’s why the animalistic portrayal of vampires in Buffy is not appealing. Angel and Spike, though, feel the desire those other vampires feel, but they don’t act on it, at least not all the way, so the seduction can continue and the girl can live another day. I don’t like Anne Rice’s vampires all that much (though I love the Mayfair witches) because they are so effeminate. Are they all gay? Cause that’s not in my vampire fantasy. I LOVE Eric, one of Charlaine Harris’s vampires, because he is everything above plus a super smart business man. Sort of Hank Reardon meets hot creature of the night. I found Dracula (a la Bram Stoker) kind of gross. More like a bloated mosquito than a dreamy demon lover. I like the Twilight vampires for all the above reasons, though they are poorly written compared to the others I have listed. Underworld vamps were meh. I can’t think of others I should critique off the top of my head.
Another appealing thing about vamps is their immortality; it always makes for an interesting perspective in a story. I love to see how authors handle that. Are they still thriving (Eric)? Are they tired of life? (The Anne Rice vamp who gives the interview – can’t remember which one he is) Are they tortured by the things they have done? (Angel) Do they try to blend in with human society? (the Cullens)

On a purely physical level, are you more attracted to men or women? On the level of a prospective long-term relationship, are you more likely to consider men or women?

On a physical level, I am more attracted to men, but also very attracted to women. Maybe 60/40?

For a relationship, I am generally much more attracted to me. I have only had one relationship with a woman that I thought had any real long term potential, but as it turned out, she wasn't quite as gay as she thought. I also had one date with a girl that felt emotionally right, but that one didn't work out either. Almost all of my liasons with women have been either purely physical or physical relationships with friends. I'd make my percentages for relationships much more dramatic, like 95/5.

Do you think "shrugging" is ever appropriate outside of the fictional setting of Atlas Shrugged? What about revolution by force? What conditions would have to be met before you committed to either of these actions (shrugging or revolting)?

If by "shrugging" you mean leaving the mainstream world and hiding out somewhere with loved ones and making do with what you can produce yourself, I think shrugging is always appropriate. It seems individual to me. It would depend on how much you like civilization and how much you enjoy homesteading values and how bad things have gotten for you personally.

It wouldn't take all that much for me to shrug. If I had tons of money and if my closest friends were able to now as well, I'd go now to some remote place, live with people I love, produce most everything ourselves, and start learning to do the rest. For now, though, we depend on that heavily taxed income of Aaron's, and life here is too good to give it up.

As for revolution, I think that I have the right to end by force any rights violation that the government perpetrates on me. So, I technically have the right to revolt now. But, I think that things would have to be pretty bad before I would make that decision. I would have to believe that the life I am living is so bad that I cannot live in it anymore. My values would have to be so threatened that I would face death rather than continue in the way things have been going. We certainly aren't there for me yet, and I haven't given up hope that change is still possible without a violent revolt.

Do you think pornography is a degredation of sex? Do you enjoy watching it?

Oh. Thanks for the clarification.

I love pornography! I find a lot of the visual kind cheesy, but that might just be cause I am a girl. I love written erotica even more.

I think everything can be a degradation of sex if you are a degraded and degrading kind of individual. But if you use porn because you enjoy it and because your motto is "The more sex the better, even in media," then I think it is a great value.

I think that most people who label some sexual activity or porn degrading are the kind of people who want sex to be always clean and for dramatic music to play from the heavens every time. A realistic view of sex - that it is sometimes holy and intimate and sometimes physical and earthy and sometimes both at the same time - will go a long way toward clearing the good name of porn.

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

When I was a child, I wanted to spontaneously combust in the mall and turn into a towering pillar of flame and get on the news.

Now, I would just go with dropping in the harness. Wylie Henderson, a resident of Caledonia, MS about 100 years ago, literally dropped in the harness. He died in the field, and the mule dragged him home. That's what I want. I want to die in the middle of reading a poem out loud to a class (preferably Tennyson's "Crossing the Bar") or in the middle of a big party. Many, many years from now.

Then, I want to be buried at Egger Cemetery with Wylie Henderson, and I want this epitaph (by Robert Louis Stevenson:

Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig the grave and let me lie,
Glad did I live, and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.

This be the verse they 'grave for me:
Here she lies where she longed to be,
Home is sailor, home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.

Are all of your major parenting decisions mutual between you and Livy's dad, or does one of you have final say if you disagree?

I don't completely know what you mean by major. I'm just gonna give some examples, and you can ask more specifically, if I don't get what you mean.

We discussed parenting and education a lot before she was born and when she was a baby. So we are on the same page there. We do some different parenting things, but when we don't completely agree, we are just honest with Livy about the disagreement and carry on doing what we do in each separate house. I think we have slightly different rules about food, for example. Livy can eat whatever and whenever she wants in my house; she has to ask about eating sweets at his house. It's easier to be different about that kind of thing when you are divorced, I think, because it is so easy for the child to know what the rules are at each house. It would be harder to disagree about how to handle food if we lived together.

We talked about a list of people Livy can spend the night with, without talking to the other parent. We agreed that if she wants to spend the night with someone not on our list, we will talk about it and either parent has veto power.

An interesting disagreement came up recently. I am much more Free Range than my ex, and when Livy told him she could go and get stuff from another aisle at the grocery store or walk to Jenn's neighborhood pond by herself, he was very worried. Though I am not willing to hold off from these things for years, I was willing to wait a while for him to feel safe about her. Worrying about her safety is too big an issue, so I agreed that I would wait until she was 7 to let her do these things. We both wanted him to have peace of mind when she is with me. I told him that I would only give him that year, and he was fine with that. When she asked why she couldn't do those things anymore, I explained that Daddy and I disagreed about them. I told her that he had asked me to wait until she was older, and I agreed to do that because I wanted him to feel safe about her. She accepted that pretty easily.

We often talk on the phone, especially when we are going through some problem with Livy, giving each other advice and support. We try to work as a team, and by and large, I think we succeed pretty well.

Because I am so bossy, I have had to practice not getting all in Livy and her dad's business. Unless an issue is very big and important, I just stay out, even when he parents a little differently than I might. He is loving and involved, and since he is a great father, I just butt out as much as possible.

Once she called me crying because he wouldn't let her do something she really wanted to do. I empathized with her feelings, told her how much I loved her, and told her that since she and Daddy both loved each other so much and were so good at solving problems, I knew they could work this out. Then got off the phone. It was hard, but I do want them to have their own relationship without me in it.

If you meant legally, we have joint custody.

Want to Know My Deepest Darkest Secrets?

Or just some more mundane stuff?

Ask me anything: http://www.formspring.me/kellyelmore

I totally love to tell people stuff, so this just works out great.

And by the way, I ripped this whole idea off from Rational Jenn, so I hope she remembers that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.