Question on how to be Adult Centered with a Toddler

Since I may never write a real blog post again (grad school attacks!), I thought I'd post this email conversation I had with a friend. She listened to podcast 18 about living an adult centered vs a child centered life. Here is her question and my answer:

"I'd like to hear more about what kinds of adult-centered activities you think children are capable of participating in at different ages. We have no problem taking 3-year-old Bobby (names changed to protect the toddlers) to restaurants, but when it comes to entertainment on the weekends we always seem to be doing child-focused things: the zoo, the botanical gardens, and the children's museum over and over and over again. Things that I really want to do for entertainment are totally not kid-friendly, like going to the theater or symphony. We've tried taking him to museums, but he only wants to run through the big rooms (which is disruptive to other patrons) and won't cooperate when we try to stop and look at the art/displays/whatever. Specific suggestions would be really helpful."

Here's what I said:

"Hey! This is a good question, and we might answer it on the podcast, but I thought I'd give you a few quick suggestions on email in case you might be kind of desperate. I know that desperate need to do something intellectually stimulating when you have a 3 year old. :)

First, he's really little, and it will get easier. It won't be long before he'll be able to do museums. Three is nearly the hardest because they aren't big enough to behave appropriately in fancy places, but they are big enough to cause trouble.

My first thought is that the zoo and the botanical gardens don't have to be child centered. They are certainly child friendly, but do you not find them interesting? I certainly do. Are you getting sucked right into the children's garden? Maybe you could try increasing the time you walk through things that are interesting to you before you move to the children's garden.

Other suggestions: Find portable things that you and your husband want to do together and then find ways to do them at a fenced-in playground. You could play trivial pursuit while Bobby plays. You could just have conversation, which can be hard when you have a three year old.

Bobby may not be able to do the symphony or the theater, which require a serious level of quiet, but I bet he could do outdoor concerts.

To get together with friends, you could meet at a restaurant (more like a pub atmosphere works great for me) and play games. You could offer to have get togethers at your house so that Bobby will have his regular environment, put on movies and stuff for him, and then participate with your guests. It might be hard at first if he isn't used to having your full attention, but I think he could learn.

As for you and your husband, are you watching movies you like at home? Recordings of theater and symphonies? Bobby can be there, and you can teach him to be with you relatively quietly or play on his own. Livy still does this. If Aaron and I are watching something she doesn't like, she'll come in with us and cuddle for a while, then go out and play in her room, then back in to cuddle. She learned that when she was really little, and she wasn't as good at not interrupting back then, but she was practicing.

Does any of this help? I was just brainstorming really, but if I knew what are your favorite hobbies and entertainments, I might be able to help you come up with some ways to enjoy those things.

Also, get a sitter fairly often. I love to sit at coffee shops and read for hours, and that is never going to be Livy friendly. So I get someone to stay home with her while I do it.

I'd encourage you to think of this not as figuring out what kinds of adult centered activities children are capable of participating in at different ages and more like a way to get both of your needs met. You think of things you really want to do, you think of what Bobby can handle now, can learn to handle, can't possibly be expected to handle, you find a way to get your thing without making him miserable. Take the symphony. He can't be expected to handle that, so you get a sitter. But if what you really want to do is hear some music, an outdoor concert might be doable. It might fall in the category of something he could do now (a concert at a park with playground equipment and room to run) or it might fall into the category of things he could learn to do (a concert of a famous band at an outdoor venue where he could move around and play with toys, but would have to stay right by you.) Anyway, I think it will be more productive to think of the things you really would like (getting together with friends, time to have conversation with your husband, interesting things to look at, etc) and then find a way to make that happen in a way Bobby can do or can be expected to learn to do."

Hope this Q&A is fruitful for you guys too!

Podcast #18: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life

Look at that! Three weeks, three podcasts, woohoo!

Situation of the Week (Jenn): "If I scream, he wins." (It'll make sense when you listen!)

Topic: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life (begins 8:48)

Link: "Child Friendly without being Child Centered" at Reepicheep's Coracle (Kelly's blog)

Q & A: How do you handle a parenting mistake when you realize you were unfair, but your child communicated his displeasure in an unacceptable manner (such as hitting or yelling)? (begins 27:38)

Link: "Parenting Toolbox: 3 Rs of Recovery" at Reepicheep's Coracle

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Enjoy! And please send us questions or email us your comments and feedback.

How is "Decide What You Will Do" different from punishment?

My last two posts have been about the positive discipline tool "Decide What You Will Do": When Effective Communication Fails and Positive Discipline Toolbox: Applying "Decide What You Will Do" to Parenting. As I was writing the second one, it occurred to me that sometimes deciding what you will do can look a bit like punishment.

Take one of the examples that I used: A teenager gets a couple of speeding tickets, and his parents decide that they are not comfortable letting him use the car.

This could be done in a punish-y way if the parents' goal is to make him feel bad so that he will remember the lesson. The point of taking away the car is to teach the kid a lesson, through a painful stimulus, and make it more likely that he will remember to drive slowly.

The parents haven't decided what they will do about their own behavior; they have decided what the kid will do.

The parents could take away the car in a non-punishy way, as well. They could decide that they do not feel comfortable letting the child drive without them, as he has proven that he won't be safe. But they are happy to drive with him because they want him to have practice driving carefully and have a chance to show them that they can trust him to be safe. They aren't trying to make him feel bad for his speeding by applying a negative stimulus; they are making a decision about what they feel comfortable doing, in the context of the kid's speeding. Instead of deciding what they will do to the kid, they are deciding what to do themselves with their own behavior.

The outcome of both of these situations is the same as regards the car. It's not being used right now by the kid. But as far as future learning is concerned, the situations are different. In the first one, the parents create an adversarial relationship with the child, letting him know that they will hurt him for his own good and that they will impose arbitrary time limits to punish him. They don't give him a way out, a way to earn back trust. He learns to hide his driving and car use from them, or he learns to do what they say and slow down because they say it.

In the second example, the parents show the kid they are on his team. Though they don't want him driving alone, they are willing to drive with him so that he has a chance to prove that he can slow down. The kid learns that, though his parents set a limit when they see danger for him, he can count on them to help him remove the need for the limit as soon as possible. They want him to enjoy driving, and they don't like to prevent something he enjoys; they just want him to do it safely.

I guess my main point is that "deciding what you will do" should focus on the parent's behavior, the behavior that he can control. When it becomes "decide what you will do to the kid to teach him a lesson," you've veered into the realm of punishment.

(A note for readers: I am not completely happy with this post, mostly because trying to identify exactly what is different about limit setting vs. punishment can be kind of hard. I know that punishment adds an extra bit of oomph on top of the limit setting. For info on this, read Jenn's post Discipline Without Punishment. What I am finding hard is understanding and expressing the difference in mindset between a parent deciding what he will do and a parent punishing. I'd love to hear your comments on this.)

Positive Discipline Toolbox: Applying Decide What You Will Do to Parenting

Yesterday, I wrote about how I applied the Decide What You Will Do tool to communication with other adults. Today, I would like to give some examples for how this tool is also useful with children.

As a quick review for those who didn't read the other post (though I can't imagine why they aren't following my blog as their most beloved task), Decide What You Will Do means realizing that you can't control the behavior of others and accepting the responsibility for your own behavior. It means sticking to the things you know are right, even when they don't cause others to immediate fall into line with all your plans. It is intimately connected with selfishness because deciding what you will do means looking at your own values and morals, deciding for yourself what will lead to your happiness, and doing that thing no matter what.

So how can this tool be used in parenting? The most important part, I think, is to recognize that you can't make children do a lot of things. You can't make them sleep, you can't make them eat, you can't make them learn, you can't make them stop crying, you can't make them pee or poop on cue. You can encourage them to do these things. You can make them so afraid of you that they will do these things just to avoid the consequences. But, if their little brains are completely set against the thing, you can't push a remote control button and make it happen.

Once a parent acknowledges that he doesn't have control over his children, he can focus on his own behavior and on creating an environment where children will learn to focus on theirs. Here are some ways I can imagine a parent using the Decide What You Will Do tool:

• An infant is waking up in the night really often. Mom has tried everything; Dad has tried everything; Baby will not sleep more than 2 hours. Mom is feeling excessively angry about baby's demands. Mom can decide that she will get up with baby, but if she gets too angry, she will wake Dad to take over instead of yelling. (I wish I had done this one.)
  

• 8 month old baby refuses to take a bottle and will only take a few sips of breastmilk from a cup from Dad. Mom wants to go to chorus practice alone for 2 hours. Mom decides that she will go and sing, and the baby will have to take what's in the cup or wait 2 hours. (This is one I had to do. Note: I would have made a different decision if the baby was very young. Deciding what you will do must be used with the context of parent and child in mind.)

• A toddler has a tantrum in the grocery store. Dad cannot make the kid stop screaming, but he can decide that every time this happens they will leave the store immediately. (Who hasn't done this one?)
  

• A toddler with a new sibling has a potty regression. Mom might decide to clean the mess up without saying a word and giving the child extra time alone with Mom at others times during the day.

• A five year old interrupts conversations and knows that if he needs attention, he can tap Dad's shoulder and wait for him to finish his thought. Dad might decide that he will ignore all inappropriate ways of getting his attention and only respond when tapped. He might decide to give reminders about the shoulder tap at other times before the child has interrupted.

• While problem solving about going to the pool with an eight year old, the child storms away, and she refuses to talk about the problem. The parent might decide that he has expressed himself in the best way he can, that he can't make the child communicate, and that they will just not go back to the pool and encounter the problem again until it has been solved. (Very similar to the situation in my post yesterday about conflict with an adult.)
  

• A teenager gets a couple of speeding tickets, and his parents decide that they are not comfortable with loaning him the car.

None of these examples is a rule. Parents will decide different things based on their values and the situations they are in. The commonality is that the parents recognize that they cannot control their child's behavior directly and can only control their own. They make decisions about what they are going to do, and they stick to it.

Sometimes the sticking to it can be kind of hard. When Livy was a volatile toddler (dude, you have no idea!), she had tantrums in public places pretty often. I decided that I wouldn't let her disrupt everyone, so every time she cried or screamed loudly, we went home. It was hard to leave a store I really wanted to go to or to leave a restaurant. But I did it.

The follow-through is important for two reasons. Children (and adults) learn whether or not to believe what you say about yourself by watching to see if you actually do it. And even more important, if you decide to do something and know it is right, not to follow through shows a lack of integrity. Doing what we know is right is not only good for our kids, but it is good for us, as all virtuous behavior is.

Positive Discipline Tool Card: Special Time

First of all, let me say that the name of this card, Special Time, kind of makes me want to barf. I don't know why; perhaps one of my X chromosomes is damaged in some way. But I wish it was called "Do something cool together" or "Spend time with the people you love" or even the dreaded "Quality time." But when I can get past the name, I really love this card.

(You can find these cards here, and there's even an IPhone app. The cards are reminders of how many great tools are in our kits that we sometimes forget to use.)

The card says, "Schedule special time that is different from regular time. 1. Take the phone off the hook. 2. Take turns choosing an activity you both enjoy from a list you have brainstormed together. 3. Age guidelines: 2-6 years old - 10 min/day, 7-12 years old - at least 30 min/week, 13 and older - once a month something your teen can't resist."

I love this card because Livy and I are very different. We like to do different things a lot of the time, and though we spend A LOT of time together (ask any homeschooler just how much), it's not always doing something together (not just next to each other) that both of us just love. When we do this, I notice that we talk more, we argue less, and much less discipline is required because it's so easy to be respectful of each other.

I feel like the times might be kind of small, but if I worked away from Livy and if I had lots of kids, maybe I would see that differently.

So what does this have to do with discipline, you may ask? I touched on this above; when we are all filled up with loving each other, we get along better. We have fewer arguments to problem solve about, and we are more willing to help each other with chores and problems.

Focused time for us to be together prevents either of us from feeling left out or overlooked. A lot of poor behavior can spring from the desire to get noticed, to get some attention; check out my post on the Mistaken Goal chart. And not just Livy's behavior either. When I feel left out of her life and like we are growing apart, I get snarky and bossy. This card helps me too! As all positive discipline tools do!

Finally, this card improves discipline because so much of positive discipline has to do with joint problem solving and effective communication. Much of what we do boils down to:

I feel ______ because ________, and I wish ______, followed by trying to find mutually agreeable solutions. Why on earth should either of us listen to the other or care about the other's feelings if we aren't feeling close? I don't stop and use effective communication on random loiterers in the street. If I want this kind of problem solving to work, we have to be highly invested in each other's happiness and moral development.

So what do we do for this special time? Livy loves to fall asleep in my bed at night, and that's a great special time for us. We get all cuddled up, and she just drifts off as we watch a movie or as Aaron and I chat. We go to Whitewater together and do waterslides. We play games, like Yahtzee or Skip-bo. We listen to audiobooks together. And I make sure to let Livy know that these times are really important to me; time spent with her is essential to my happiness, and I want her to know it.

A picture of Livy falling asleep on me, one of the activities both of us love that makes us feel super connected.

Newest Podcast! Brainstorming a Parenting Problem!

Yay! Another episode! Please forgive the buzzing in the background; we're trying to figure it out.

• Situation of the Week: Handling problems among children when some of the children are ignoring another

• Topic: Brainstorming Parenting Problems--Kelly and Jenn discuss a problem that Kelly is having and come up with some solutions together (begins 6:01)

• Q & A: What should you do when other people try to force their kids to share or give stuff to your kids? (begins 21:11)

We hope you enjoy this episode!

You can listen here, or download from our podcast site.

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Guilt About Traveling Without Livy

I am immersed in Mommy Guilt. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it's worse than anything, even ginormous spiders. All good parents want to do what's best for their children, want to give them everything in our power, want to be a really great parent. And when I have doubts about a decision I am making about Livy, that's when I feel this awful pressing weight of guilt.

Here's the situation:

I am planning a 3 week trip to either England or to Turkey and Greece. Aaron gave me a trip for my 30th birthday, and we haven't ever gotten around to using it. This Christmas break is the time! Yippee! They thing is, I don't want to take Livy with us for the following reasons:

1. It will be romantic and awesome to go with just Aaron.

2. I don't think Livy will be very happy poking through museums, tons of ruins, literary sites for people she's never heard of, etc.

3. I don't really want to change my trip around to make it child-friendly.

4. It adds extra expense, which would have to come out of some other part of the trip budget.

The problem is that Livy, of course, wants to go. I worked it out with her, and we are planning a shorter birthday trip with her to Las Vegas, which I think she will absolutely love (and so will we, without changing the trip up too much) instead of a party. She isn't happy about missing out on our foreign trip, but that part is settled pretty well.

What isn't settled is my feeling that "good parents take their kids with them on foreign adventures." I feel like I am denying her a really neat homeschooling experience, and I am not meeting the ideal of the educated and well-traveled family.

My mom, correctly I think, tells me that it is impractical and a little ridiculous to even think about taking Livy on this trip. She would hate it at least a large part of the time, and we would not have as good a time. It would be a colossal waste of money, and there will be plenty of time for Livy to travel when she is a little older and when our interests align a little better.

But I still feel (at least part of me feels) that I am being a terrible mom. Shouldn't I want to take my darling with me on an adventure? Shouldn't I want to change the trip around and make it the kind of trip we could enjoy together? Shouldn't I think leaving her for three weeks is too much for me and especially over Christmas?

The truth is that I don't want to take her, don't want to change the trip, and think both of us will be fine (though we'll miss each other) for three weeks. So here are the things I am going to think about when unreasonable mommy guilt punches me in the stomach:

1. Normal child development does not require a trip to Europe. Livy can grow up to be smart, well-informed, and not provincial without taking this trip.

2. I did not go to Europe as an 8 year old, and it didn't turn me into a WWF fan whose favorite vacation is to a NASCAR race or to the world's biggest ball of twine.

3. Because Livy is almost 8, it is likely that she will have years and years to go to Europe after I am dead and buried. Now is my only freaking time.

4. It's not only okay, but good, to be selfish about pursuing my own values. I want to look at musty old books, portraits of people she's never heard of, and architecture she doesn't care about. I shouldn't have to give up those values.

5. Moms come in a lot of different packages. Just because I am not the kind that enjoys vacations more through the eyes of their children doesn't mean I am not a good one. I have many mom qualities that make me stellar, like my very high fun quotient, that aren't a part of the traditional mom image.

6. My relationship with Aaron is super important, and it's a good thing that I want to do things alone with him. Not only is it essential to my happiness, it's a rocking good example for Livy for when she has a romantic partner one day.

So, the bottom line is, I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know I am doing what is best for me and not harmful to Livy. And yet the parenting ideal of taking the children everywhere and educating them with travel is hard for me to shake.

To Ron Weasley (On Why I Get You and Your Relationship with Harry Potter)

Dear Ron,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that you and I are alike and that I really get you. When I read about your adventures, I see myself in you, and I wanted you to know that I try to live up to your example. Keep reading, and you'll know what I mean.

You know how you are kinda famous, but Harry is really famous? I get that. You know how no matter how much you contribute to the fight against Voldemort, people just think of you as Harry's sidekick? I get that. You know how you worry about how you are always overlooked? I get that.

See, I have a famous best friend too. We are also business partners, just like you and Harry are partners in fighting Death Eaters. My friend Jenn is just as cool as your friend Harry. She always gives me credit for my contributions; she always treats me as an equal; she knows that we are so much better together than either is apart. None of the awful feeling of being in someone's shadow is her fault, anymore than it's Harry's fault that you don't get noticed so often.

It's not that Harry and Jenn don't deserve their fame, either. Harry could cast a corporeal patronus in his third year. And Jenn has an amazing blog where she works very hard to keep the thoughtful and helpful parenting posts chugging out. But we're pretty great, too, right? I mean, that chess game you played? How you handled the group when Harry was obsessed with the Deathly Hallows? And I am an awesome parent educator, with good classes, good podcasts, and some really new and innovative ideas about parenting and Objectivism.

But it's hard to be overlooked, isn't it? It's hard for you to hear about how Harry is the symbol of the anti-Voldemort movement, when you have shared in every anti-Voldemort activity. He gets called "The Chosen One," I know. Did you know someone once told me that Jenn was "the Objectivist parent?" You know how you didn't get invited to the Slug Club? Well, once a guy I just met socialized with me for an entire party, and at the end, he told me that he couldn't wait to meet Jenn because he had some parenting questions. One person asked me, "Are Jenn's kids the coolest you've ever met?" Umm, I have my own child, dude, and I am kind of partial to her, awesome though Jenn's kids might be.

Anyway, you can see that our positions are similar. What I really wanted to tell you was what I learned from watching you. You handle being right next to and being support to and working with someone really famous. Mostly, you handle it pretty well. I've learned from you that I just have to focus on my own values, as you focus on the mission to destroy Voldemort, and not worry so much about what people think. I've learned that when your friend becomes the youngest seeker in 100 years, you can be happy for him, even if you would like to be playing Quidditch too. You can celebrate someone else's accomplishments without always comparing them to your own.

I work hard on not being second-handed, on focusing on the product I am working on, rather than on how it is received.

I work hard on not being envious, on remembering that it isn't my friend who overlooks me. She is always my biggest cheerleader, and I want to be hers, even if she has bunches of others.

I work hard on doing the thing I actually want, instead of the thing that will get me a little more spotlight. For example, I really wanted to go to DragonCon over Labor Day weekend, but Jenn and I were asked to speak at ChicagOCon. I struggled with the decision because I worry that people will not miss me in our presentation and wonder why Jenn has a partner at all. I worry that I will be more overlooked if I miss my chance to be on stage. But I weighed my values, and I decided to do the thing I actually valued more and let the fame fall where it may.

Basically, I work hard at keeping the sane voices in my head, the ones who speak reality to me, talking louder than the voices of my insecurity. Just like when you were about to destroy that Horcrux, I fight the part of me that talks in Voldemort's voice. I choose not to hear the message that second-handedness and fear convey. Instead, I think of the love that my friend and I share, the amazing work we do together, my very real contributions to Objectivist parenting, and my other values.

When the Horcrux tells me that nobody would care if I never wrote or spoke about parenting again, I just stab it with a big ole Goblin-made sword. When the Horcrux tells me that no one even knows I exist or that Jenn and I figured it all out together, I just look around for the nearest basilisk fang. I shrug off the kind of insulting things people say with this thought: "Jenn IS just that awesome. She deserves every compliment. And I am that awesome, too. Even if folks on the internet don't know it, I know it. And so does Jenn and the other people I love. They know who I am and support me in my important work."

But I know the dark moments, the ones when second-handedness wins. I know just how you feel when you leave Harry and Hermione in the tent and disapparate. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just quit. Why not let Jenn do the parenting education and focus on something else? Then I wouldn't have to feel overlooked; I'd not be doing anything to overlook. I've pulled back several times, tried to back away from our work, decided to just quit and stop feeling like this. But like you, I came back.

It's rationality that saves us both, Ron. We can use our minds to keep away the insecurities, to ignore the slights, to focus on important values, and to choose awesome companions in our work. And when Voldemort is dead and positive discipline has swept across Objectivism like fiendfyre, you and I will both know that we did good work and acheived our goals. And we will have Harry and Jenn to share in the pleasure of a job well done.

Your admirer,
Kelly

A Funny Livy Story

Yesterday, Aaron, Livy, and I had dinner with Jenn, Brendan, Ryan, Morgan, and Sean. When we were getting in the cars to leave, Jenn said, "Have fun in Nashville!" to me. (Aaron and I are doing a super fun getaway together this weekend!) Livy overheard this comment.

L: "Mom, what is Nashville?"

Me: "It's a city in Tennessee. We went there together a couple of times. Remember the place where we saw the Parthenon with that ginormous statue of Athena and went to the Opryland Hotel with the river inside?"

L: "Yes."

Me: "Well, Aaron and I are going there this weekend."

At this point, Livy started to cry. I thought, as you probably do, that Livy was sad because she wasn't going to get to go with us. I was preparing in my head to give a big rousing speech about how everyone needs time alone with people they love, about the time Livy and I spend alone, etc.

L: (Crying loudly.) "Why can't you ever go on vacation while I am at my Dad's house?"

Me: (Thoroughly confused.) "We are. Just Aaron and I are going to Nashville. You will be at your dad's the whole time."

L: (Looking much relieved.) "Oh, good. I just want to stay home forever. We take too many vacations. Let's just stay home from now on, okay?"

I'm posting this story so that my readers can get a better sense of who Livy is. She is, in many ways, the anti-Kelly. I want to go everywhere all the time. And if people do things without me, it takes all my restraint and good principles not to actively wish that they are having a terrible time. All the fun in the world should happen when I am present. :)

Livy, on the other hand, likes a more low-key life. She likes to be at home, to work on her projects, to watch shows she likes, to go to her friends' houses, to sleep in her own bed. And apparently, she couldn't care less if other people are off having fun without her, as long as she is content at home while they do it.

One more piece of evidence for me to use to understand the introverts in my life. Weird folk, but beloved, so I keep on trying. :)

There's no particular reason to post this photo, except it's extreme cuteness. Livy is in the middle, with two of her friends. The kid on the right is Morgan, Jenn's daughter. The one the left is Zara, an awesome-sauce kid from our homeschool co-op, whose fashion sense is a constant source of delight to me. If I was really secure enough to not care what people thought of me, I would dress just like Zara.

An Instance of Problem-Solving Between Parent and Child

For the past few months, Livy has been shutting her door when she is alone in her room, playing or watching TV. I have always knocked and waited for an answer before I come in because that seemed respectful and kind. Lately, I have been getting the answer, "What?" when I knock.

I was bothered by this because it just sounds so cold. "What?" Not, "Yes?" or "Come in." I was starting to get super irritated by how rude this sounded, and it hurt my feelings a little because it felt like my presence was irritating to Livy and causing her to be rude.

Finally, I talked with her about it. I said, "Could you say something else when I knock on your door? 'What?' sounds very rude to me, and I'd like you to answer in some more polite way, like "Yes?" or "Come in." This didn't sound like a very big request to me.

Well, it was. She started to cry and said that she didn't want to say any other words but "What?" She said that she wasn't trying to be rude and that she didn't want to talk about this anymore EVER.

I pulled her into my lap and comforted her in her obvious distress. "We have a problem. We have to talk about. Do you need a break before we talk about it anymore?" No, she didn't want a break. Her attitude seemed to be that if we had to talk about this, we might as well get it over with. :)

I told her about how "What?" hurt my feelings because it seemed she never wanted me to come in. She cried more and told me that she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but she did not want to say any other words. She seemed adamant about not accepting any of my alternatives for "What?", and to this day, I have no idea why.

So I said, "I don't know what to do about this situation. I don't want to have my feelings hurt every time I knock. You don't want to say any words except the ones that sound rude. Do you just want me not to knock?"

At this, Livy brightened right up. She thought this was an excellent idea. I learned that really she didn't like to be interrupted by my knocking and her having to give an answer. If I just come in, she has a second to finish her thought, pause her movie, put her Lego in place, close her circuit, whatever, and then she doesn't feel like she loses her train of thought. She wasn't closing her door to have privacy; she told me that I can come in anytime I want and she'll never mind. She added that she never, ever wanted to talk about this again. Apparently what to say when someone knocks on your door is traumatic. :) I told her that we might want to talk about it again when she is older or if our plan doesn't work, but that for right now, we can drop the subject entirely.

The plan has been working: I have been walking right in, and she has been perfectly happy about it. I don't feel hurt by rudeness, she doesn't feel interrupted, and we understand each other a little bit better.

Things I Won't Feel Guilty About

Inspired by Jenn's post, I am going to make a list of the seven things I won't feel guilty about as a mom. Notice I don't say "things I don't feel guilty about;" occasionally, I do feel unreasonably guilty about these things, but I set the guilt aside as soon as I can.

1. I'm divorced from Livy's dad.

This is not ideal from Livy's perspective, always shifting back and forth between houses and not having both parents with her all the time. However, I am 20,000,000 times happier now than when I was married to her dad, and I don't regret getting divorced for a second. My selfish need to give and receive real romantic love must come first in my own decision making.

2. I didn't cosleep with Livy.

I know it's best for baby, but I hated it. Suck it up, baby. :)

3. I work and go to school instead of devoting 100% of my work time to homeschooling.

Sometimes I think of the Norman Rockwell painting (that exists only in my head) of happy, hippie homeschoolers. The children play in a field of wildflowers, while their gentle, intelligent mother walks serenely behind them, engrossed in watching their exploration of the world. One child picks flowers (of which she knows the botanical names, of course), and the other points to birds and insects and collects nature samples to take home for her collection. Mom has no other delight to match the sight of her babies learning and exploring.

So, that's not what our life is like at all. I go to work; I go to school; I am engrossed by my own homework. I find Quintilian's ideas about the education of an orator more delightful than the conversation of a child, even my own. Most of the things kids do are only interesting to other kids, so I find Livy lots of playmates to share her interests with. We spend tons of time together, but we have never yet frolicked in a glade wearing white eyelet dresses. Mostly we watch TV that many parents would think inappropriate for a 7 year old, do chores together, and listen to Harry Potter.

I love my adult life, and though I am very dedicated to keeping Livy home with me and providing her with enriching experiences, I don't do it 24/7 or in a meadow.

4. I let Livy free-range.

Not only do I not feel guilty about this, I feel extremely proud. My child can cook herself breakfast, take care of the household chores, and at the park, play with other kids on the playground while I walk loops around the park's perimeter. She is not watched like a baby because she isn't one. She is incredibly capable, not because she is an exceptional child, but because she is given an exceptional amount of freedom and responsibility.

5. My seven year old falls asleep nearly every night in my bed.

We both love it, and I hope she does it when she's 14. The sacred and inviolate rituals of bedtime and separate sleeping space make me want to hurl.

6. I talk frankly with my child about atheism, Santa, and sex.

God's not real, Santa's not real, and here's what a condom's for. Just be happy because, if you are the kind of parent who will leave your kid to grope about in the dark about what is and is not real and about the risks and joys of sex, your kid can learn from mine instead of from the kids who don't know any better than they do. I may be preventing your child's teen pregnancy. I should get a medal.

7. Yesterday, my child ate cookies and ice cream for dinner at her sleepover.

Overall, she eats meat and stock, veggies and fruit, high-fat dairy and other mostly paleo goodies. But life sometimes requires cookies and ice-cream, and I am glad she can revel in some "sinful" pleasures now and then. We are not a family of 100%ers.

What do you not feel guilty about?

Parenting Kids Through Difficult Choices

Not long ago on OGrownups, there was a discussion about a blog post that Katie Granju wrote about making a choice for her son when he asked her to. Little did I know that Livy apparently reads OGrownups and gets ideas for new ways to behave. :) In no time flat, we faced the same kind of situation in my house, twice in a 24 hour period.

The first incident was about whether we should go to the Fernbank Museum of Natural History on Saturday or have a friend come over to do a sewing lesson with Livy. I was completely neutral about my part in these things. As neither were better or worse for me, I told her that she could choose which one she would rather do.

"Which one do you think I should do, Mom?"

"I think you should do the one that you want to do the most."

"Yeah, but which one is that?"

"Only you can know that, sweetie."

Skip ahead to tears, rolling about on the bad in apparent agony, and much pleading. Finally, she asked, "Why won't you decide for me?"

"I don't make decisions for you because I don't want to boss you. I want you to control your own life and make your own choices, so that you will grow up to be a really good decider."

"But it's not bossing me, if I tell you to boss me."

"It's not just about you, Livy. It's about me. I don't think it's okay to boss people, and so I don't want to do a wrong thing. I can help you think about your choice, but I will not make it for you."

The second please-boss-me event was the next day when she had to choose which princess dress to wear to a friend's birthday party. She pulled out the choices, tried them all on for me, and then asked me to pick. I reminded her that I wasn't going to make choices for her, and I helped her think through the dress choice: Which is prettiest? Which color do you like the most? Which is most comfortable? Which will the birthday girl like the most at her party? Etc. Etc. for a long time.

She wasn't any happier this time when I refused to make up her mind for her than she was the first time. Again tears and gnashing of teeth. Why would I not just tell her, you may be wondering. Is it really so important a principle to make me endure all this crying? Yes, I think it is.

Choices between two good things are the toughest kind of choices. We want them both; both would have good results. How on earth do we pick? We examine our values hierarchies and try to tease out which choice fits best with our long term best interests. This is a hard skill, and I want Livy to learn it.

The other reason I didn't give concerns what I do not want her to learn in this situation. I don't want her to learn that when we are faced with hard choices, we look to others for a final decisions. We may look to them for advice, for help with problem-solving, or for a sounding board, but we do not relinquish our independence. Each person must accept responsibility for that moment of final choice.

I also don't want her to learn that it is okay to accept responsibility for someone else's decisions. I strive to be a model of virtuous behavior for her, and I, by refusing to stand in for her independent judgment, show her the proper role of an advisor, friend, parent, or spouse. I don't want her to grow up to be the kind of person who accepts the responsibility for other people's decisions.

Lest someone think that I would never enforce my authority in Livy's decision-making, I'll add this. I do make final choices for Livy very occasionally. I hold final say on decisions that endanger life, limb (in a serious way), or other people's rights. But those kinds of decisions are very, very rare. Other than those cases, I advise, counsel, help, and then stay out of the way of Livy's independent judgment. Even when she asks.

CtV Podcast 13: A Glimpse Into the Relationships of Parents and Their Young Adult Children

Cultivating the Virtues is pleased to present the 13th episode at long last! Please know that we are aware of some technical issues--I have a lot of static on my mic, but believe us when we say that it was much worse before Brendan, tech god, got a hold of the files! Please bear with us while we work through some of these issues (which will likely exist on the next podcast, too, since we recorded them at the same time).

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Helping a toddler cope with fears and enjoying his self-awareness

• Topic: A view of what it's like to be the parent of a young adult (begins 7:06)

• Q & A: Does parenting involve sacrifice? (begins 20:09)

As always, feel free to send questions, suggestions, and critiques to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And we have a new place for you to send questions for future podcasts: check out our Google Moderator page. Please add your own questions and vote for existing questions that you like.

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Science Is a Good Subject Too: A Life-Learner's Revelation

Regular readers of my blog will recognize that I am a ginormous geek, but my geekdom is pretty well confined to the humanities. I read classic literature, translate Latin and Greek, work on French and Spanish (once in a while), learn history, diagram sentences, peruse ancient rhetoric texts, write creative non-fiction, recite poetry, and think about linguistics. It's not that I don't like science and math; I went to a math and science magnet school for high school, for Jupiter's sake. It's just that they don't thrill me and fill up my daily life.

So, as Livy accompanies me on a romp through existence, her exposure to ideas and educational materials can be a little bit one-sided. Of just how one sided, I was unaware until recently.

As you know, I have been bemoaning her lack of academic interest and worrying about what it means and generally not living up to my standards of minding my own business about her interests. At least, I've been doing that in my head. I've still been good about not bothering her and bossing her into doing things she isn't interested in. But, as I was reminded on a trip to the local science museum, science is an academic subject. Who knew? :)

In the hands-on section of the museum, Livy did every single electricity project available, and she did them thoroughly. It took us about 45 minutes, during which her friends moved on to something else (unusual because she would ordinarily have followed them). When I saw how strong her interest was, I realized that I haven't been meeting her sciency needs.

She is an engineering type, I think. She likes to build things out of Legos and to figure out how things work on her own by tinkering. Math has always been a stronger interest for her than reading, and she loves to hear me read non-fiction books on animals, space, and fossils. I don't know how I got away from providing her with the option for science exploration, but I did. I guess it just doesn't come naturally to me, and so it fell out of our lives.

I've learned my lesson now. Since the museum, we have done tons of electricity experiments of our own (series and parallel circuits, resistors, LEDs, fuses, building an electromagnetic motor, and using switches). I checked out a bunch of books that I think she will like about a multitude of science topics, and we are considering a junior astronomy course at our beloved museum. Basically, I am not neglecting this whole interesting side of human knowledge as I provide her with materials and options for learning.

So, I'm taking a few new lessons from this experience:

1. Everyone is not like me, and I need to get out of my own head and into Livy's. I can't use my yardstick to measure everybody else.

2. Science is pretty fun, and I can expand my own life-learning journey by participating in Livy's.

3. The second I start to worry about Livy's progress, some new thing will come along to surprise and inspire me. I need to chill.

4. That key ingredient of life-learning, strewing the environment with cool stuff, requires me to get outside my own comfort zone of activities and materials.


For those of you living with science lovers: We've been using Snap Circuits to do electricity projects, and we LOVE them. The kit comes with millions of parts and a project book, and the snap in pieces are easier for Livy to manage than wires (though we are using those too). She can use the Snap Circuits much more independently. Have fun!

Cultivating the Virtues Q&A

Jenn and I need more questions! We want to hear from YOU! (Imagine a picture of me wearing that Uncle Sam suit and pointing right at you menacingly.) So, Jenn, the good fairy of technical operations for Cultivating the Virtues, made us a Google Moderator question box thingy. So please ask us stuff.

Jenn writes, "So is there something you've been wondering about Positive Discipline or Objectivism? Is there a specific challenge you are trying to handle with your own kid that you'd like another Mommy Opinion about? Do you think we are really off-base with all of this non-punitive discipline stuff and want to challenge us? Well then, please head over to our question page and ask us! And vote up good questions from others, too."

An Update on the Parenting and Education of Livy

It's been a while since I have written much about parenting or homeschooling (unless it is about my own worries). I don't write a lot about parenting because it doesn't take so much energy anymore. Livy is easy to get along with and pretty self-sufficient, and though we talk about things and I share information with her, it feels much less like active, constant parenting. It feels more like hanging out with her, being a model for her, and working through problems together. It feels like a real relationship with a person instead of a teaching and limiting role, like it did much earlier. Not that she doesn't need a limit set sometimes, but it's less of a teaching thing and more like the limits I might set with anyone else. "Here is what I am going to do." Or "Please stop that. It affects me in such and such a way."

I also tend to talk less about parenting because the situations in which Livy does need my guidance are often private. She doesn't have fits anymore about not getting what she wants; she has emotional issues about her relationships, her plans for herself, her fears, etc. These aren't conversations that belong on my blog.

When I do post, it's often about my own issues. I've found that when I behave myself appropriately (listen, empathize, be selfish, etc), most of our problems go away. She's such an easy-going child, and I'm sometimes kind of a challenge to live with. Like my relationship with Aaron, my relationship with Livy is usually as easy, happy, and positive as I make it. I'm the wild card. So when I think about problems with homeschooling, it's my worries that I write about. When I think about problems that have arisen at home, it's usually my too-hot temper that caused them.

I don't post a lot about education because for us, it looks so relaxed and so leisurely and so all over the place that I sometimes can't make a coherent post about it. We read, we play, we watch movies, we go places, we have conversations. But those things don't always look like traditional education. Were my posts about our Texas trip education posts? I don't know, but the trip involved learning for each member of our family. It's hard for us as life-learners to pull the education piece of our lives free of all the other pieces, and so it's hard to post about it. I'm just going to try to list some of her current interests and activities and how she and I are fulfilling them. That may be the best I can do for an educational post.

• She just finished a Lego project she has been working on since Christmas, a model of the Burrow, the house of the Weasley family, in Harry Potter. She did it completely by herself, following all the instructions in the manual. She really seems to enjoy this kind of detail work, and she took some of it apart several times when she discovered a mistake. Next, she wants to try the Hogwarts model.
  
• She is learning and practicing making different kind of balloon animals. So far dogs, poodles, coiled snakes, dinosaurs, and giraffes.
• She is watching lots of movies, like Strawberry Shortcake, Johnny Test, Scooby Doo, the Narnia movies (we saw the newest on in the theater), and Harry Potter.
• We watched all of the Gilmore Girls together, and she watches some of the episodes of 24 with Aaron and me.
  
• We are listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
• We have been playing a lot of games, like Labyrinth and Outburst.
• She has been taking chess at our homeschool co-op, and she loves it! Must get Aaron to play with her more often. I hate it.
• She has also been taking American Sign Language from Miranda at the same co-op, and she loves it even more. She constantly makes up new signs and shows me the ones she learned in class.
• She and her friends the Casey kids have invented a battle game based on a video game she loves called Halo. They play it a lot.
• She likes to cook and makes eggs by herself all the time. I think she enjoys the independence and the eggs.
• She is interested in (and very good at) cleaning and has mentioned starting a cleaning business when she is "a very young adult."
• She has been making business ideas a lot lately, and with my help, has narrowed it down to car washing at Roberts school, making balloon animals for kids at Roberts school, or doing cleaning chores for money. I'm not sure if she will follow through on these ideas; she may just be playing with them in her head. She still isn't super interested in money.
• She is taking sewing lessons from our friend Melissa. They have chosen a pattern for a dress for Livy and bought fabric and notions. Next lesson they begin the process (mysterious to me).
• Livy has expressed interest in going to some concerts. We REALLY like the Dixie Chicks, so that would be ideal, but I am going to look for other things the two of us might enjoy.
• Livy wants to go dancing with me, so I am trying to figure out how you could do that with a child. She can't go to clubs (more's the pity), but where can kids just dance and not do classes?
• As a family, we have been watching lots of documentaries on human evolution and the Space Race.
• Livy enjoys socializing with her 4 closest friends. She likes to see them most days, though she likes to have alone time in between. She also enjoys the kids at co-op, but she likes to be in large groups much more rarely. She was talking to me about how she likes being with people in small groups best of all and how she likes to be alone the whole morning.
• We talked on our vacation about doing a tour of Southern zoos because we both like to see animals very much.
• Livy photographed every second of our Texas trip with her new camera, and she has expressed interest in doing a photo collection of nature pictures to turn in at the Nature Exchange at the Chattahoochee Nature Center.
• This spring, she will be taking her first horseback riding lessons.
• The snow and ice prompted an interest in ice skating, so we'll have to do that soon.
• Livy has shown interest in my Crossfit training, and she wants to get involved in a Crossfit kids or a similar kind of program eventually.
• She plays the keyboard sometimes and plays around with songs she learned in her class.
• She plays video games with her super-cool babysitter Miranda and at her dad's house. She and Miranda play some iteration of Super Mario, and I'm not sure what she plays at her dad's, except for Gears of War, which she tells me about in all the gory details.
• She loves to work mazes, find words in word searches, and decipher codes. She also likes WordUp (kind of boggle) on Aaron's fancy phone.
• She has talked about wanting to do gymnastics again, but I'm not sure if that will last.
• She is quite a knowledgeable gardener (more so than many adults I know) and wants to have her own separate plot this year to grow veggies and flowers.
• We love to visit the Tellus Science Museum, Fernbank Museum of Natural History, Zoo Atlanta, and the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. We have memberships to these places, so we go as often as we like.
  

Okay, I think that may be it. I was surprised at the number of her interests when I wrote them all out. And some of them were good reminders to help her set some of these things up. Now you have a better idea of what Livy does with her time and the direction in which her education is headed right now.

Tribute to the Gilmore Girls

Tonight, I watched the last episode of the Gilmore Girls. I sobbed. I cried because, in that amazing way good TV has of making the unreal real, I felt that an era in my life, not just in Lorelai and Rory's, was ending. I felt that a girl I knew had grown into a woman and that a woman I loved was losing her child to adulthood.

I don't love the Gilmore Girls because they are paragons of Objectivist virtues or heroic in an epic way. In fact, half the time they make decisions that I think are wrong or stupid or just silly. I don't love them because they are smart and witty (though they are) or because they are beautiful (they are that too).

I love them because they represent a kind of relationship between parent and child that I crave for Livy and me. I want to be like Lorelai; I want to let Livy make her own decisions and mistakes and successes. I want to keep her close to me, knowing me and being known, and at the same time, let her go and be who she is. I want to be the place where she comes for meltdowns, the person that she relies upon when everything else is unreliable, and the sharer in her greatest triumphs.

And, though this part is much more out of my control, I want her to see me as a person, not just a mom. I want her to know that I make mistakes, to watch me living my values, to give me her opinions on my choices, and to be a part of the exciting era of my life that will come after her childhood. I want to teach her what she needs to know, but I also want to nurture a real relationship between us that will last even when we are equals.

Watching Rory leave Stars Hollow to hit the campaign trail made me ache for Lorelai and for me. I know that one day I will face a house and a daily life without Livy in it. When she goes, I want to know that we will miss each other, miss each other's company, not just the idea and familiarity of home. And when she goes, I want to have a career and love and a community like Lorelai, a life full of adventures and values, just as Livy will have, a life we can continue to share.

The greatest tribute that I can give to the Gilmore Girls is that it inspires me to be a better parent, to be more open, more communicative, more understanding, more nurturing, more fun, and to respect Livy's individuality.

Finally, a Podcast!

After kind of a long break, we're back! Check out our lastest podcast. It is mostly based on a post I wrote on The Nature of Children, one of my favorite posts ever. We hope to be back on a good schedule and producing podcasts every week.

Livy Growing Up, Me Learning to Adjust

Last weekend, I was getting dressed to go to a party. I had chosen my shirt but couldn't decide which jeans to wear with it. I tried on both pairs for Aaron and asked which looked better. After he gave me his opinion, Livy came out of her room crying.

"Why do you only ask him things? I'm big enough to know what's pretty!"

I comforted her for a second, assured her that I would love her opinion, and offered to go put the other pants back on so she could compare. But that wasn't good enough. She didn't really care that much about my outfit. She wanted me to value her opinion and acknowledge that she getting so much older.

I thought for a second, and I realized that she was right. She is old enough to know what's pretty. Honestly, her fashion sense might be better than Aaron's. But I was stuck thinking of her as my baby still, not a person who has valuable opinions to share.

So, I explained that I had forgotten for a moment how grown up she was and that I would try not to forget again. And I will try. I don't want to be that mom who can't learn to see her child as an adult. I want to practice seeing all her maturity now and changing my perception of her as she actually changes, so that when she really is all grown up, I see her adult self clearly.