I've decided to start a series of posts where I talk about some words I use in lots of parenting situations. If I have some phrases stored up, often I will use them instead of the poor parenting that plays in my head sometimes. So, I hope these phrases will be helpful to you in the same way.
The phrase of the day is: "I guess you disagree."
You'd think this was a throw away phrase, one you'd use in some touchy- feely corporate meeting about how to get along with your team. You'd think any two reasonable persons would know when they clearly disagree. Here is where children often completely miss that reasonable thing.
An example:
I hear an altercation in Jenn's playroom (where our two daughters are playing together), so I go to investigate. The two are clearly getting more and more worked up.
Me: Is there a problem in here?
Morgan: (mournfully) She says ponytails hurt!!!
Livy: (yelling in agony) They do hurt!!! She says they don't!!!!
Me: I guess you two disagree.
There is a pause while they look at each other, deciding if I am making any sense. Then the tension dissipates, and they tell me (slightly more politely than this, but not much) to get lost.
I think this situation happened because little children take their opinions and feelings and the things they know about the world so seriously. This is a good thing; they know what they know and won't be swayed. What they do not know is that people can disagree and still be friends. A parent pointing out that they disagree in a nonchalant way shows them that disagreement is not a disaster. They learn that their own ideas do not have to change because someone else thinks differently. They learn that other people have minds of their own and that others have the right to their own ideas and opinions. Sometimes it is hard for me not to just tell them what I think, but the fact is, they didn't ask, and if they care what I think, they'll let me know. My goal is not to teach them the truth about ponytails or whatever other thing they are arguing about. My goal is to teach them to discuss things with each other civilly and to be first-handed in their acquisition of knowledge.
4 comments:
I like this approach, and we try to use it with our kids too. But I have a question for you:
What do you do in a situation where one child is completely wrong, and the other is totally right?
For instance--in the context of where they take their ideas very seriously, like you mentioned--the 3-yr old says "Those (red) shoes are blue!" just to get a rise out of his 5yr old sister.
The 5yr old gets righteously indignant, yelling "Mooomm! R. said these shoes are blue!" and an argument erupts.
How would you handle such a situation, where it isn't a difference of opinion but one of objective fact, and the difficulty is in helping the child who is right deal with the fact that the other is just trying to get a rise out of them, without trying to actually _solve_ the disagreement for them?
Interesting question, C. This happens all the time with Jenn's kids and mine. Out loud to both children, I would probably do exactly the same thing. "Sounds like you two disagree." Then I might speak with the older child and explain what was happening with the little one trying to get a rise out of her. We could brainstorm what to do in those kind of situations in the future. I would probably suggest saying something like, "I know what I know" and then walking away if the 3 year old keeps on. It's amazing the solutions they can come up with on their own, too, so she might have some good ideas. Perhaps she could tell her brother that it makes her feel frustrated when he says that. I'm sure he would need your help to have any kind of dialog with her about it, but even for a 3 year old, practice solving problems is good. Maybe you could teach her to do some playful parenting on him: "Those (red) shoes aren't blue, they're green!" And they both laugh? These are some of suggestions right off the top of my head, but my main suggestion is to talk to A. about it, explain her brother's behavior, and think up solutions together.
Thanks. This is pretty much what we do already, and the relative success depends on our level of frustration at the time.
The one thing we don't already do is focus on the brainstorming/problem solving with A. I think this could be good for both of them.
On the rarer but still numerous times when their positions are reversed, there is less reasoning we can do with R. when his big sister is picking on him in this way. But in general, validating that he knows what he knows works well, and A. is aware enough that she backs off much more quickly in this situation.
Re: the playful parenting idea... this would work well with our general sense of humor in the house, as the kids already joke around like that. Perhaps injecting some levity into these situations would help.
C,
I have generally found that when I can keep myself in a good enough humor to use playful parenting, it really works well at our house too. It can be really tough, though, to stay in that head space.
Kelly
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