I am immersed in Mommy Guilt. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it's worse than anything, even ginormous spiders. All good parents want to do what's best for their children, want to give them everything in our power, want to be a really great parent. And when I have doubts about a decision I am making about Livy, that's when I feel this awful pressing weight of guilt.
Here's the situation:
I am planning a 3 week trip to either England or to Turkey and Greece. Aaron gave me a trip for my 30th birthday, and we haven't ever gotten around to using it. This Christmas break is the time! Yippee! They thing is, I don't want to take Livy with us for the following reasons:
1. It will be romantic and awesome to go with just Aaron.
2. I don't think Livy will be very happy poking through museums, tons of ruins, literary sites for people she's never heard of, etc.
3. I don't really want to change my trip around to make it child-friendly.
4. It adds extra expense, which would have to come out of some other part of the trip budget.
The problem is that Livy, of course, wants to go. I worked it out with her, and we are planning a shorter birthday trip with her to Las Vegas, which I think she will absolutely love (and so will we, without changing the trip up too much) instead of a party. She isn't happy about missing out on our foreign trip, but that part is settled pretty well.
What isn't settled is my feeling that "good parents take their kids with them on foreign adventures." I feel like I am denying her a really neat homeschooling experience, and I am not meeting the ideal of the educated and well-traveled family.
My mom, correctly I think, tells me that it is impractical and a little ridiculous to even think about taking Livy on this trip. She would hate it at least a large part of the time, and we would not have as good a time. It would be a colossal waste of money, and there will be plenty of time for Livy to travel when she is a little older and when our interests align a little better.
But I still feel (at least part of me feels) that I am being a terrible mom. Shouldn't I want to take my darling with me on an adventure? Shouldn't I want to change the trip around and make it the kind of trip we could enjoy together? Shouldn't I think leaving her for three weeks is too much for me and especially over Christmas?
The truth is that I don't want to take her, don't want to change the trip, and think both of us will be fine (though we'll miss each other) for three weeks. So here are the things I am going to think about when unreasonable mommy guilt punches me in the stomach:
1. Normal child development does not require a trip to Europe. Livy can grow up to be smart, well-informed, and not provincial without taking this trip.
2. I did not go to Europe as an 8 year old, and it didn't turn me into a WWF fan whose favorite vacation is to a NASCAR race or to the world's biggest ball of twine.
3. Because Livy is almost 8, it is likely that she will have years and years to go to Europe after I am dead and buried. Now is my only freaking time.
4. It's not only okay, but good, to be selfish about pursuing my own values. I want to look at musty old books, portraits of people she's never heard of, and architecture she doesn't care about. I shouldn't have to give up those values.
5. Moms come in a lot of different packages. Just because I am not the kind that enjoys vacations more through the eyes of their children doesn't mean I am not a good one. I have many mom qualities that make me stellar, like my very high fun quotient, that aren't a part of the traditional mom image.
6. My relationship with Aaron is super important, and it's a good thing that I want to do things alone with him. Not only is it essential to my happiness, it's a rocking good example for Livy for when she has a romantic partner one day.
So, the bottom line is, I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know I am doing what is best for me and not harmful to Livy. And yet the parenting ideal of taking the children everywhere and educating them with travel is hard for me to shake.
8 comments:
And don't forget that Livy will have her own valuable experiences while you are gone. I am guessing that she will have a chance to deepen her relationship with your mother and to do things that she would not otherwise do if you were together. Have fun, mama!
She's actually staying with her dad. So she's not even having to go and stay away from home. :)
Kelly, last year I spent 7 wonderful weeks doing rock mechanics experiments in America. I left Anna with James and felt really guilty right up until I got on the plane... and I felt really guilty when I got home.
But while I was away I was SOOO happy to have all day everyday to do something I love. I remembered how much fun it is to be all academic all the time... and have time to make new friends at the end of the day. The experience was invaluable and I do not regret one minute of it. Anna was pretty stressed when I returned, but she also matured as a person, growing more independent and confident in her own decision making capabilities.
Through lots of extra mothering time, we quickly reestablished our good relationship. I learned that when I'm away, I need to Skype or call her everyday. That seems to make all the difference to her happiness.
I've been away from her for a week now, when a short (3 day) trip to Dunedin turned into a week-long ordeal complete with the worst snowstorm in 16 years. I was also away for a week in April and 10 days in January.
These are the only times I can completely focus on my goal to finish my PhD. I would be nowhere near meeting that goal if I didn't take breaks from my motherly responsibilities. I know Anna respects me more because I have a passion other than parenting, and I know this will be even more important when she gets to be a teenager.
So I think you are doing the right thing taking time to focus on things you love, like adventures, Aaron, and ancient world awesomeness. I hope you have lots of fun!! Carolyn
I second Carolyn's Skype recommendation. Ben travels a lot for work (he's returning from Athens today) and we try to Skype. Martin's only 1.5 so the situation is A LOT different, but he sleeps a lot better if he gets to talk with his daddy before he goes to bed.
It's shouldn't be too difficult to find internet cafe's wherever you go.
I'm looking forward to seeing pictures!
Thanks, you guys. Carolyn, it really helps to hear that you feel the same way about wanting to do things away from Anna sometimes. Helps to know that a mom I consider awesome feels the same way. :)
It's a tough call, but as you may imagine, I'm all for the romantic vacation.
What you share with Livy about your adventure may spark her curiosity for the things that you loved seeing and doing. This is a good thing for potential future travel adventures.
Now, Bath and Longbourn or Instanbul and Santorini. More tough choices.
I look forward to hearing more about it.
Bath is beautiful. As an engineer I found the baths built by the Romans amazing and impressive. They still hold water perfectly today, and could probably still function as a resort. Take one of the city walking tours sponsored by the Mayor’s office and you might here that one of the modern Baths sprung a leak the first time water was added. The Romans just built stuff better than we do today. You are probably more interested in Jane Austen’s Bath. The 2011 Jane Austen Festival is from September 16th to the 24th, but that doesn’t seem to fit your Christmas break schedule.
However, Greece is equally or more amazing. My wife and I spent the summer in Europe on our honeymoon, and the first month of that was in Greece (2 weeks on the main land and 2 weeks on Santorini and Crete). Santorini was nice, but touristy. If you go there you must not miss Akrotiri! Then be sure to continue on to Heraklion on Crete (high speed fairy) and visit the archaeological museum. Knossos is nice, but you are seeing Arthur Evan’s Knossos not the Minoan’s Knossos.
Whatever you decide you are sure to have a good time.
Kelly, I look forward to having you in my country. Hit me up closer to the time you come. I have family in Warwick, London and Devon, as well as some friends in York, so if you want to meet up in or near any of these places, I'd love to see you!
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